Heather's Hash
I have never wanted to become a "Gleek" fan - I thought that it was silly, ridiculous and not worth my time - how wrong I was.
I am now a self professed "Gleek-fan" - why?? I love the fact that this story line portrays so perfectly the meanness and vindictiveness that is high school. Even the teachers are horrible to each other - namely good ole Sue Sylvester - the one you want to love to hate. She has many issues, very evident..I look
forward to finding them out as I am sure all "Gleeks" are.
What is not funny is the fact that this bullying and cliche bullshit is all over the place in schools all over our country. It breaks my heart - so much hatred - so much un-understanding - I want to know what God wrote "the Book" on how to be in high school or for that matter in high school or even later in life. No God I believe in - my God gave his only SON to save our pitiful souls from a hell beyond anything our small minds could EVER imagine. How small minded can we be to put people in "categories" and judge them by those so called "categories" - it's against all GOD stands for!!
One time - ONE TIME - I fell victim to this insane crap - I was in first grade - a girl named "Colleen" had copied me and bought the same lunch box that I did - this irritated me because I wanted to be "different" - not follow everyone else - my BIGGEST mistake???? I was the cause of great heartache for her - at lunch that day - a favorite thing to do was to raise our hands and "vote" - whether it was against a person or something we didn't like - I fell for the biggest trap - I had everyone vote against Colleen - I asked "Who hates Colleen because she can't get her own idea for a lunch box - she has to copy me??" - sadly - all hands of the twelve students raised - even worse - the same table that Colleen was sitting at - I happened to look at her face and what I saw ripped me apart - if I should EVER cause that much selfish pain against some poor innocent person than I hope I drop dead the instant it happens - it was horrible - I sought her out and apologized - it KILLED me to see some sweet, innocent girl CRY because of what I had said...I told her I was mad because I felt like she was copying me - she said her parents had bought it for her since she too loved the "Six Million Dollar Man" - I felt like total SHIT....to make someone cry -that is so not right in my book - even at the age of 5 yrs. old it was WRONG!! God loves us all and I think there is much to be learned from this - who the heck did I think I was trying to "own" the "right" to that particular lunch box - I hugged her and cried and tole her how very sorry I was to cause her pain - I told her I thought it was "way cool" we had the same lunch boxes" and that we could hang out whenever she wanted and I hoped that she accepted my apologies - thankfully, she did. Are we best friends now? - No - we were totally different people, she moved and I can only PRAY that she met kinder people than I turned out to be.
To this day I feel bad - causing someone to cry - KILLS me - who the heck am I to judge anyone??? I'll tell you - I am no one - just a girl who loves God and feels like for a long moment I severely disappointed him....for all the people who think that Gods' will makes your life horrible or whatever difficulties you are gong thru - you have to stop that way of thinking - for God to sacrifice his only child to save our selfish asses I would have to say, God is pretty awesome.
I have a miserable, chronic illness that robs me from 87% of my life due to pain - and I so DO NOT blame God, I thank him over and over again for all the miracles in my life - a husband/best friend beyond compare and 2 super daughters. I want to enjoy our lives together, which I am unable to do thru my pain and feeling sick all the time....I want to point out that all of you who have perfect bladders - THANK GOD, because if you don't have IC - you are lucky enough to never get the idea of how much this - well - SUCKS...God does not chose the hell we go thru - that is all part of the "whole free choices to make decisions - good or bad is at play..
Doses my illness "kill" - sometimes - but the thoughts of my husband and incredible daughters keep me going. I refuse, REFUSE to let I.C. rob me of anything else in my life...it has taken my ablility to be ME - to be spontaneous, to live for today..when your best friend becomes an heating pad, well, you know you are in trouble.
So, please, take the time to be nice to someone who "appears" different by your standards - they may be the best thing that ever happened to you. Different is GREAT - if we were all the same life would get pretty damn boring..
I have one other person I want to set the record straight with, but that is another long story for another day....
Just promise me to hold your real and true friends close, love them - cherish them....and if you ever - EVER witness bullying of any kind - DO SOMETHING - because otherwise - well babes - you are just as bad as the bully.
Much love and peace for all my friends out there - may God follow, lead, guide you to a peaceful life - remember though - God helps them who help themselves - so if you want to be a nub and do nothing to help yourself to be a better person, than don't expect any help...
Much love and peace to my friends & followers on here....♥ ♥
Monday, February 7, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
The Invetibleness of Life
Heather's Hash
I am in a blue, depressing, sad riddled funk right now.....my precious father who has been my rock and one of my biggest supporters through my life is very ill right now. He has Myelodysplastic Syndrome - which in easy terms, means that his marrow is like a defective machine putting junky red and white cells and low platelets, he has gone thru hell already with this disease - he just had have his 5th bone marrow biopsy - which for you that don't know is taking a REALLY LONG needle and sticking it into the hip bone to get the best amount of marrow to look at and see what is going on. He has been feeling so awful lately - and it rips my heart and soul apart - I would give my life for his in a second and I mean that with every inch of my heart and soul...all I want is to be 6 again and fishing with him and walking around Dean Pond while he showed me how the Indians walked on the outside of their feet slowly so no one would know they were there. He has always been one of my biggest champions and supporters - we truly have a special bond. I don't know how to let go....hopefully I won't face that for many years but I am so scared - so very, very scared.
He has been feeling more and more sick for the past two months - he has had to get a Procrit shot to jazz up his red cell count but recently found out that his Iron levels were at 5 - very low. He has gone thru 4 procedures to get the iron is him - infusions I believe, but they have not helped.
The worst part - since we are so close - I am his go to girl when he is scared - I saw him prior to his blood check and I hugged him and wished I could fix him - as I pulled away I could see the tears of fear and sadness in his eyes, my heart and soul were speared by this - I tried to keep things light and jolly and make him laugh. Then the bad news about a jump from 33,00 to 44,00 to 55,000 in three wks. time - he called me from the ER to tell me that he was getting an emergency bone marrow biopsy to see what was going on because his Oncologist was very concerned.
I have yet to open "Pandora's Box" and see what this means cross referenced with his MDS - too much info. is hell in my opinion. I just need to be strong and positive - just don't know how...I am praying so much that God is probably sick of me, lol.
I wish I could explain the wonderfulness that is my Dad - funny, sweet, caring, great listener, great sense of humor, super friendly (the nurses at the hospital LOVE him), even though his butt-hole father beat him, his siblings and his mother he was the one at the end that was there for him - helping him in any way possible - if this isn't the perfect example of a man living his life as God would wish, then I don't know.
I am so scared right now - he is the half of my whole - how do I get the strength I need?? I am praying and hoping I can keep it together - whatever fate has to chuck in my face.
Do any of you find yourselves in a similar situation?? If so - please write to me on here - I think sharing pain and fear is better than keeping it all bottled up..
May God bless you and your families - hug and love EVERYONE you love and care about, because you just never know when they won't be there anymore. Live, Laugh, LOVE - my best wishes that you and your loved ones are safe and healthy - Heather ♥ ♥
I am in a blue, depressing, sad riddled funk right now.....my precious father who has been my rock and one of my biggest supporters through my life is very ill right now. He has Myelodysplastic Syndrome - which in easy terms, means that his marrow is like a defective machine putting junky red and white cells and low platelets, he has gone thru hell already with this disease - he just had have his 5th bone marrow biopsy - which for you that don't know is taking a REALLY LONG needle and sticking it into the hip bone to get the best amount of marrow to look at and see what is going on. He has been feeling so awful lately - and it rips my heart and soul apart - I would give my life for his in a second and I mean that with every inch of my heart and soul...all I want is to be 6 again and fishing with him and walking around Dean Pond while he showed me how the Indians walked on the outside of their feet slowly so no one would know they were there. He has always been one of my biggest champions and supporters - we truly have a special bond. I don't know how to let go....hopefully I won't face that for many years but I am so scared - so very, very scared.
He has been feeling more and more sick for the past two months - he has had to get a Procrit shot to jazz up his red cell count but recently found out that his Iron levels were at 5 - very low. He has gone thru 4 procedures to get the iron is him - infusions I believe, but they have not helped.
The worst part - since we are so close - I am his go to girl when he is scared - I saw him prior to his blood check and I hugged him and wished I could fix him - as I pulled away I could see the tears of fear and sadness in his eyes, my heart and soul were speared by this - I tried to keep things light and jolly and make him laugh. Then the bad news about a jump from 33,00 to 44,00 to 55,000 in three wks. time - he called me from the ER to tell me that he was getting an emergency bone marrow biopsy to see what was going on because his Oncologist was very concerned.
I have yet to open "Pandora's Box" and see what this means cross referenced with his MDS - too much info. is hell in my opinion. I just need to be strong and positive - just don't know how...I am praying so much that God is probably sick of me, lol.
I wish I could explain the wonderfulness that is my Dad - funny, sweet, caring, great listener, great sense of humor, super friendly (the nurses at the hospital LOVE him), even though his butt-hole father beat him, his siblings and his mother he was the one at the end that was there for him - helping him in any way possible - if this isn't the perfect example of a man living his life as God would wish, then I don't know.
I am so scared right now - he is the half of my whole - how do I get the strength I need?? I am praying and hoping I can keep it together - whatever fate has to chuck in my face.
Do any of you find yourselves in a similar situation?? If so - please write to me on here - I think sharing pain and fear is better than keeping it all bottled up..
May God bless you and your families - hug and love EVERYONE you love and care about, because you just never know when they won't be there anymore. Live, Laugh, LOVE - my best wishes that you and your loved ones are safe and healthy - Heather ♥ ♥
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