Heather's Hash
I am in a blue, depressing, sad riddled funk right now.....my precious father who has been my rock and one of my biggest supporters through my life is very ill right now. He has Myelodysplastic Syndrome - which in easy terms, means that his marrow is like a defective machine putting junky red and white cells and low platelets, he has gone thru hell already with this disease - he just had have his 5th bone marrow biopsy - which for you that don't know is taking a REALLY LONG needle and sticking it into the hip bone to get the best amount of marrow to look at and see what is going on. He has been feeling so awful lately - and it rips my heart and soul apart - I would give my life for his in a second and I mean that with every inch of my heart and soul...all I want is to be 6 again and fishing with him and walking around Dean Pond while he showed me how the Indians walked on the outside of their feet slowly so no one would know they were there. He has always been one of my biggest champions and supporters - we truly have a special bond. I don't know how to let go....hopefully I won't face that for many years but I am so scared - so very, very scared.
He has been feeling more and more sick for the past two months - he has had to get a Procrit shot to jazz up his red cell count but recently found out that his Iron levels were at 5 - very low. He has gone thru 4 procedures to get the iron is him - infusions I believe, but they have not helped.
The worst part - since we are so close - I am his go to girl when he is scared - I saw him prior to his blood check and I hugged him and wished I could fix him - as I pulled away I could see the tears of fear and sadness in his eyes, my heart and soul were speared by this - I tried to keep things light and jolly and make him laugh. Then the bad news about a jump from 33,00 to 44,00 to 55,000 in three wks. time - he called me from the ER to tell me that he was getting an emergency bone marrow biopsy to see what was going on because his Oncologist was very concerned.
I have yet to open "Pandora's Box" and see what this means cross referenced with his MDS - too much info. is hell in my opinion. I just need to be strong and positive - just don't know how...I am praying so much that God is probably sick of me, lol.
I wish I could explain the wonderfulness that is my Dad - funny, sweet, caring, great listener, great sense of humor, super friendly (the nurses at the hospital LOVE him), even though his butt-hole father beat him, his siblings and his mother he was the one at the end that was there for him - helping him in any way possible - if this isn't the perfect example of a man living his life as God would wish, then I don't know.
I am so scared right now - he is the half of my whole - how do I get the strength I need?? I am praying and hoping I can keep it together - whatever fate has to chuck in my face.
Do any of you find yourselves in a similar situation?? If so - please write to me on here - I think sharing pain and fear is better than keeping it all bottled up..
May God bless you and your families - hug and love EVERYONE you love and care about, because you just never know when they won't be there anymore. Live, Laugh, LOVE - my best wishes that you and your loved ones are safe and healthy - Heather ♥ ♥
